I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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