I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
i think im in europe. pls send help
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
