The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
