Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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