I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
