Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
