Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
