Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
