you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
