I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
