haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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