In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
