I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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