girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
