I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
