so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
