How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
