Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I just googled if crying burns calories
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Is Oprah even human
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
