Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
