I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
