some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
