he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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