Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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