Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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