Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
