I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
