Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
