so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
