god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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