I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm at about main and main street
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize