dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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