I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
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