You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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