watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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