There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
