I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
