youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
