I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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