I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
