Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize