I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I didn't notice because vodka
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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