she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize