So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
