the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
