I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
