If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
