Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
