My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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