That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
