Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
