Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
