stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
