Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
