Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
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