Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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