You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
