if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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