All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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