I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i out mim tonsoeep
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