Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
